Subject: Coffee in 5 minutes!
Date: Mon, 13 May 2002 09:55:01 -0400
From: Allison T Clayton 

Monday, monday!  Today is the last Monday Morning Coffee of the term, and 
while we know you will miss us, summer is knocking loudly.  For this last MMC, 
you should walk (don't run) down the stairs (not the dangerous banister) to 
the foyer (or atrium) where a selection of bagels, donuts, coffee czars, and 
coffee awaits you.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, a press release was found floating about the 
department days ago.  It was not to be disclosed, but since hearsay is at an 
all-time high of late, I thought I would share:

Press Release:
Broadway to Buy the University of Massachusetts Computer Science Department

Broadway announced last week its intent to by the University of Massachusetts 
Computer Science Department.  This news is a product of Broadway's move toward 
increased technology as well as toward making the Department more "generally 
sing-songy".  Along with current tasks, members of the department will be 
expected to attend two hour department-rehearsals daily, under the world-
renowned direction of Harold Prince.

When asked for comment, Mr. Prince said, "We feel that [Sondheim, Webber, or 
Kander and Ebb] working with the department can only be beneficial.  Enhancing 
the papers that come out of UMass with song and dance would greatly increase 
their interest within the general public.  We would, for one, like to create 
the notion that decision trees, red-black trees, and any other kind of tree 
are best expressed lyrically."  Any papers previously submitted to a division 
of IEEE (et al) should now be sent directly to Mr. Prince's assistant.

Also, PhD's and faculty promotions will be replaced by new Tony Award 
categories including: 
-Best Interpretive Dance about a paper
-Ability to include character development, a climax, and a denoument in a paper
-Most dramatic lighting for a presentation, beyond flourescent lights
-Best set design for a presentation, beyond the pull-down projection screen
-Best adaptation of a conference paper into a dissertation (music optional)
-Most able to work one's advisor for funds beyond a grant-allowance
-Best ad hoc song and dance routine carried out in the department halls
-Ability to write and receive a song- and dance-oriented grant
-Most able to work the government for non-earmarked funds

Broadway's next move is rumored to be the purchase of the new UMass Engineering
Building for conversion into the first Computer Science Theatre.

Cheers and Bagels!
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