To: monday-morning-coffee@thor.cs.umass.edu
Subject: Coffee in 5 minutes!
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002 09:55:01 -0400
From: Allison T Clayton 

Hello, world!  Welcome to a would-be rainy day!  We, the Coffee Collective, 
hope that your weekend was Super-Fantastic, and aren't you glad everything in 
life is perfection in its own, bizzare way, or bizzare in its own, perfect way.
This morning you should make your way down to the foyer for a perfect Monday 
Morning Coffee with perfect bagels and perfect donuts.  The Czars eagerly await
your arrival, all smiles and pots of coffee. And remember, though April showers
may come your way, we bring the coffee that blooms in May!

This week is the final installment of Dr. Cal Feene's adventure. If you don't 
rescue him after this puzzle, then I guess he and his precious formula are 
goners.

----------------
[Begin unruly-college-student mood-music]

Since we've been visiting small and remote locations over the entire course of
our adventure, it comes as no surprise to us that Dr. Cal Feene's latest 
sighting is in Amherst, Massachusetts, USA.  Since we were in New York most 
recently, we hopped onto a bus to Amherst for a long, bumpy ride, just hours 
behind Ivana K. Offee.

As we wander around town we see flyers posted at every corner.  Some advertise 
washer/dryer sets for sale.  Others offer SAT, GRE, and GED preparation (to be 
taken in that order).  One of particular interest, printed on red paper, 
advertises a psychic named B.S. Cotti.  Just as we're reading the red flyer, 
Ivana appears.  She is, in all coincidence, grasping one of these red flyers.
We are late for an appointment with the Great B.S. Cotti.

When we arrive at B.S. Cotti's headquarters, a small closet space in the grad 
dorms, he instantly knows why we have come.  It turns out that Max W.H. Sanka 
has already been here.  Unfortunately, M.W.H. Sanka stole B.S. Cotti's crystal
ball hoping it would guide him to Dr. Cal Feene and the formula.  The only 
thing B.S. Cotti can do for us now is use his Talking Magic Pi Ball to answer 
our questions and help us to save Dr. Cal Feene.

Ivana takes a transcription of our (weird, at best) conversation with the 
Magic Pi Ball:

 Us: Hello, Magic Pi Ball
MPB: I have been waiting for your arrival, you may kiss my knees
 Us: Have you seen Dr. Cal Feene?
MPB: The kitchen counter is in mad disarray; clean it
 Us: No, really, where is he?
MPB: The vampire horse, Count Ed, knows
 Us: Huh?
MPB: Reply smoggy, try again
 Us: We're looking for Dr. Cal Feene
MPB: Reply smoggy, try again
 Us: Dr. Cal Feene... Have you seen him?
MPB: I once had to tangle with bears and a lawn chair
 Us: How does that help us?
MPB: The yucca plants and the tambourines surf
 Us: Are you ever of any help?
MPB: No
 Us: Why don't you tell us what you know, and we'll go from there...
MPB: Not on your life, buddy
 Us: So how can you help us?
MPB: RatShack stocks big ears of corn
 Us: Dr. Feene's whereabouts... that's all we need
MPB: Not on your life, buddy
 Us: But if we find him, we will save his formula, as well... can't you help?
MPB: Modulus Twenty six, reboot now

We get the impression that this transcription is useless, but Ivana feels that 
this is the final piece of the puzzle, and we will find Dr. Cal Feene today!  
She runs off, though, mid-sentence to the campus center for a donut.

--------------
Archived puzzles are located at http://www.cs.umass.edu/~allison/puzzles/

Cheers and bagels!


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