Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 10:01:01 -0500 (EST) From: Paul DicksonSubject: You might need some coffee if... Sender: owner-monday-morning-coffee@cs.umass.edu (also read as, if any of this applies, your coffee is ready in the lobby -Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. -You ski uphill. -You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. -You speed walk in your sleep. -You answer the door before people knock. -You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. -You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. -You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. -You sleep with your eyes open. -You have to watch videos in fast-forward. -The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. -You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. -You lick your coffeepot clean. -You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. -You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. -Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. -You chew on other people's fingernails. -The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. -Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee." -Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. -You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. -You can jump-start your car without cables. -Cocaine is a downer. -All your kids are named "Joe." -You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. -Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." -You don't sweat, you percolate. -You buy milk by the barrel. -You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. -You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. -You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. -You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. -Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. -You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. -People get dizzy just watching you. -When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Twenty-four more, I'll have a cup." -You've worn the finish off your coffee table. -The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. -Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. -Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. -You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. -People can test their batteries in your ears -Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. -Instant coffee takes too long. -You channel surf faster without a remote. -When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." -You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. -You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. -Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. -You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. -You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. -You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. -You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." -You get drunk just so you can sober up. -You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. -Your Thermos is on wheels. -Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. -You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. -You can outlast the Energizer bunny. -You short out motion detectors. -You have a conniption over spilled milk. -You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. -Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. -You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. -You don't tan, you roast. -You don't get mad, you get steamed. -Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. -Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. -You can't even remember your second cup. -You help your dog chase its tail. -You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. -Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. -You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. -Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup --------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------- CONTRIBUTIONS: Mail to mmc@unreal.cs.umass.edu UNSUBSCRIBE: Send "unsubscribe monday-morning-coffee" to majordomo@cs.umass.edu PROBLEMS: Report to owner-monday-morning-coffee@cs.umass.edu TO SUBSCRIBE: Send "subscribe monday-morning-coffee" to majordomo@cs.umass.edu