Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 10:01:01 -0500 (EST)
From: Paul Dickson 
Subject: You might need some coffee if...

(also read as, if any of this applies, your coffee is ready in the lobby
-Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 
-You ski uphill. 
-You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. 
-You speed walk in your sleep. 
-You answer the door before people knock. 
-You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. 
-You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. 
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. 
-You sleep with your eyes open. 
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward. 
-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. 
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the 
-You lick your coffeepot clean. 
-You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't 
	even work there. 
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. 
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. 
-You chew on other people's fingernails. 
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. 
-Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee." 
-Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. 
-You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. 
-You can jump-start your car without cables. 
-Cocaine is a downer. 
-All your kids are named "Joe." 
-You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. 
-Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." 
-You don't sweat, you percolate. 
-You buy milk by the barrel. 
-You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. 
-You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. 
-You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not 
	plugged in. 
-You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. 
-Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. 
-You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. 
-People get dizzy just watching you. 
-When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Twenty-four 
	more, I'll have a cup." 
-You've worn the finish off your coffee table. 
-The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. 
-Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. 
-Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. 
-You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. 
-People can test their batteries in your ears 
-Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. 
-Instant coffee takes too long. 
-You channel surf faster without a remote. 
-When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." 
-You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity 
	in a coffee can. 
-You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. 
-Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. 
-You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. 
-You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. 
-You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. 
-You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." 
-You get drunk just so you can sober up. 
-You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. 
-Your Thermos is on wheels. 
-Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. 
-You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. 
-You can outlast the Energizer bunny. 
-You short out motion detectors. 
-You have a conniption over spilled milk. 
-You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. 
-Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. 
-You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. 
-You don't tan, you roast. 
-You don't get mad, you get steamed. 
-Your three favorite things in life before and coffee after. 
-Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee 
	to get you in the mood. 
-You can't even remember your second cup. 
-You help your dog chase its tail. 
-You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. 
-Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. 
-You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. 
-Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup 
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