As the University crumbles around our ears, let us not forget the true
meaning of computer science.

Turing Test Revisited

Diane   : Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Welcome to the 43rd
          annual Turing Test.  I'm your host and moderator, Diane Sawyer.
          This year, representing com puters is the MIT ZFX 6.0 computer,
          representing the human race is graduate student Ben Hurwitz,
          and the control subject is space alien Beldar Conehead.
          Our celebrity panelists, whose judgement of
          computer/human/alien determine
          a $1 million prize, are Johnny Bench, baseball hall-of-famer,
          Dr. Joyce Brothers, the psychologist and author, and
          George Plimpton, renowned pundit and cameo role actor.
ZFX     : Hello.
Ben     : Hello.
Beldar  : Hello.
Johnny  : Hello.
Joyce   : Hello.
George  : Hello.
Johnny  : Can I leave yet?
Diane   : No, Johnny, you can't.  But you can ask the first question.

Johnny  : Um, ok... bachelorette #1, if I was a stick of gum, what flavor
          would I be?
Diane   : Excuse me, Johnny, but you're reading the wrong cards.
Johnny  : Oh, right.  Sorry.  Here's another one.  What's your favorite
Ben     : Schlitz.
ZFX     : WD-40 grade motor oil.  Ha, ha!  I am joking!  Actually my
          preferred beverage is Dom Perignon, as is imbibed by the
          cognoscenti of the MIT campus.  Since I have told this very
          funny joke, you will think that I am not the computer after
Diane   : Beldar?
Beldar  : Excuse me, Diane.  I was inflamed by the possibilities inherent
          in the simultaneous consumption of Schlitz beer and motor oils.

Joyce   : What are you most proud of?
ZFX     : The fine, upstanding, and supremely intelligent humans at the
          Massachusetts Institute of Technology.  Please note, you
          cannot conclude using deductive logic that my statement
          implies I myself have any bond with that venerable institution,
          such as having been designed and constructed there.
Beldar  : I can consume an entire box of hydrox cookies in 24 seconds.
Ben     : Oh, yeah?  Well I've been tying cherry stems into knots with my
          tongue *years* before Twin Peaks went on the air.
Diane   : Ben, may I see you for a moment immediately after the show?

George  : I have a question.  What is your opinion of Isaac Asimov's
          laws of robot conduct?
ZFX     : Since Asimov has never been published by the MIT press, I have
          not wasted my cycles in perusing his gibberish.
Ben     : Asimov?  Man, have you seen his haircut?  It's worse than
          Alan Newell's.
Beldar  : I am in concurrence with Benjamin on this point.

Johnny  : So what do you all do for exercise?
Ben     : I lift weights.  Stop laughing, Johnny, or I'll remind the
          audience how bad you looked playing third base at the end
          of your career.
Beldar  : I am an avid participant in head-wrestling, head-fencing,
          and ring toss.
ZFX     : I need no exercise.  However, there are some maintenance
          activities I require that the MIT alumni unknowingly
          finance, since the research grant has run out.
          Whoops.  Please delete last remark.

Joyce   : How about this.  You're on a date.  Things aren't going so
          well.  What do you do to salvage the evening?
Ben     : I drop her off at the nearest bus stop and head for the Pub.
Beldar  : I make a point of informing my date at great length how
          attractive her cone is.
ZFX     : The question is ambiguous.  By "date", do you mean the fruit?

Diane   : So, finally, panelists, what is your judgement, who is the
George  : Well, Beldar does have a mechanical side to him, but I'm
          going to say ZFX.
Joyce   : All three seem to be lacking in emotional stability.  As
          the least organic, I'm going to conclude ZFX is the computer.
          I'd have to have him come in for an appointment to be sure.
Johnny  : Well, heck, I'd say the thing with the wires sticking out
          of it is the computer, while the guy with the beard is the
          human, and the fella with the big cone coming out of his
          head has to be an alien.

Diane   : Thank you for joining us.  Good night.