From JMCCARTHY@cs.umass.EDU Tue Nov 13 11:27:22 1990 [brought to you by Dr. Seuss (aka Jay Corbett)] This week: How the Grinch stole Who-Mass. Every Who down at Who-Mass liked Who-Mass a lot. . . But the Grinch, who lived just east of Who-Mass, did NOT! The Grinch *hated* Who-Mass! The whole Who-Mass system! Please don't ask why. The reasons we can't list 'em. It *could* be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It *could* be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. But, Whatever the reason, His heart or his shoes, he stood there at BU, hating the Whos. Staring down from BU with a sour, Grinchy frown at the subsidized school in that western Mass town. For he knew every Who down at Who-Mass would scorn his right-wing ideas come election day morn. ``And they'll vote for the liberals!'' he snarled with a sneer. ``November's the election! It's practically here!'' Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, ``I MUST find some way to stop liberals from coming!'' For, otherwise, he knew. . . . . .All the Who guys and gals, Would wake bright and early. They'd vote for their pals. And *then*! Oh, the spending! Oh, the Spending! Spending! Spending! Spending! That's *one* thing he hated! The SPENDING! SPENDING! SPENDING! SPENDING! Then Who-representatives would sit down on the hill. And realize at last that they must pay the bill. And they'd tax! And they'd Tax! And they'd TAX! TAX! TAX! TAX! They would tax Who-gas and all Who-professionals and plunge the economy into deep Who-recessionals. ``Why, for sixty-four years I've put up with it now!'' ``I MUST stop the liberals from coming! . . .but HOW?'' Then he got an idea! An *awful* idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! ``I know *just* what to do!'' the Grinch said with a coo. ``I'll run for governor and the liberals I'll woo.'' ``All I need is a scapegoat. . . '' The Grinch looked around. But, since scapegoats are scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Grinch. . . ? No! The Grinch simply said, ``If I can't find a scapegoat, I'll make one instead!'' So he picked on old Mike, in some negative ads, ``I'm not an insider---not one of those lads!'' And to the Who's horror, but to his own glee, he somehow became. . .the Who's nominee. Then the Grinch said, ``Giddap!'' And began to campaign. He *dreamed* of the things he would bring in his reign. . . ``. . . and as your new governor, I want you to know,'' ``My line-item ax will lay the waste low.'' ``Who-welfare, Who-medicare, Who-pensions: Veee-To!'' ``When you're old and ripe, it's time to go!'' ``Shopping malls, parking lots, they're not so harsh!'' ``Leave it to beaver to make some new marsh.'' He knew that his dreams would look bad in the light, and so he suppressed them with all of his might. But once in a while a line would slip through, scare all the people, and shock every Who. On mothers with kids they work to support, ``They are neglectful!'' he barked with a snort. >From the rear of the ticket he heard a small gasp, it was Marjorie-Lou Who, who asked with a rasp. . . ``But Grinchy, the words that you speak are so odd?'' ``Is all of this liber-al talk a facade?'' But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick, he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! ``Why, my sweet little lass,'' the fake liberal lied, ``The media distorts and is not on my side.'' ``They take out of context a harmless remark,'' ``and thus make me out as a cold-blooded shark.'' And the fib fooled the liberal. Then he patted her head. So she stayed on the ticket; for a while they led. When warned by advisors that liberals suspected, ``Pooh-Pooh to the Whos! I'll still be elected.'' Election day came and he, without fear, lifted his big Grinchy hand to his ear. And he heard the returns coming over the news, Those biased reporters predicting he'd lose. As the numbers rolled in, the Grinch popped his eyes. Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every liberal in town, the tall and the small, was voting against him so that he might fall. And the Grinch with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling: ``How *could* it be so?'' And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! ``This is not the only race. . .'' ``Maybe there's another place. . .'' ``Where, when I forthrightly speak,'' ``People won't their barf-bags seek.'' ``England? Russia? Poland? China? . . .'' His smile widened: ``North Carolina!''